Week 6

If the Arabian desert was as hot in 600 BC as the Sonoran desert is in 2023 AD, then I'm starting to see where Laman and Lemuel were coming from.

Apologies for the delay. I didn't manage my time last p-day as well as I should have, and I wasn't able to write my email. I'll try to make up for it with this one.

(Also, some of you might be wondering why I didn't reach out over messenger today. I have recently learned that the mission policy for p-day has been changed. I am not supposed to talk with anyone over messenger, by text, call, or video chat, unless they are from my immediate family. You can still email me though. And please do! I appreciate everything that's been sent so far).

Last Sunday after church the Country Club Ward had a linger-longer luncheon. As expected of a full-time proselyting missionary and representative of Jesus Christ, I was forced to go talk to people and get to know them.

It's actually a pretty cool ward, and I got acquainted with some interesting people. I finally met Eli Chambers, who is the wife of Brianne and son of Yvonne. Their family was the first to host dinner for Elder Cook and I, but Eli wasn't there. He talked about how he was at Comic-Con. The event was hosted on a Sunday but he didn't want us to know that (I don't think he knew that his wife already told us that they were going to be gone that day). You're probably thinking that he's going to outer darkness after skipping church like that, but he had a legitimate reason- he needed to host a panel talking about how the themes of How To Train Your Dragon could be applied to animal conservation in the real world. I'm sure God will understand.

The two of us got into a loud discussion in line while waiting to get our food about the plausibility of covergent evolution producing an organism similar to a centaur (something he also talked about at Comic-Con and had a whole presentation over). He insisted that it was possible and cited the example of one species of fish native to California which has human-like teeth. Personally I wasn't convinced. He's a cool guy though.We did service over at that family's house later that week and we had lots of fun throwing out all of the rusty pipes and junk in their backyard. Yvonne's husband was a gardener, carpenter and backyard tinker, and there was all sorts of interesting things back there. We also helped them demolish a concrete fish pond, and I got my first experience with a jackhammer. Standing out in the flaming hot sun, covered in grime, wearing a t-shirt and jeans and my dirtiest sneakers, operating a piece of heavy demolition equipment, I've never felt more like a real man.

At the linger-longer I also met Jerome, this 45-year old guy who was baptized two years ago. He's big into DnD and roleplaying games. He likes to cosplay and apparently he and his buddies like to dresss up as star wars characters and go entertain at the Children's Hospital. We went over to his house for dinner and ate hotdogs on his couch while he told us about the five different games he's running cocurrently. His apartment was full of collectibles, action figures, and anime posters. This man is the truest geek I have ever met, the kind of person you hear about but almost can't believe really exists. His life is not exactly what I would want for myself, but he's a nice person and he is totally happy. He's a pretty competent storyteller and is well-versed in the mechanics of writing and crafting narratives. He used to host a DnD tournament for the Elders every Christmas day, but sadly the Mission President banned it because they were getting addicted to it and playing it in every spare moment that they weren't out proselyting.

One other interesting note: I met a Brother Burkhardt and his family, and they hosted us for dinner later that day. His wife is from Brazil and they have three children, Brianna, Guliana, and Vincenzo (who are very sweet and trust quickly). We were talking and I mentioned I was from Oklahoma. He asked if I knew any Burkhardts over there and I said I did. It turns out that he is Kalen Burkhardt's cousin! (for those of you who don't know, Kalen Burkhardt was in our old ward in Brookhollow and worked with the young men. He and his wife are great). I was very impressed by the coincidence, but Elder Cook was less so. Being from Utah he's already used to how small and interconnected our community is. Apparently almost every missionary in Phoenix has at least one relative already living in the city. The novelty hasn't worn off for me yet. I'm still trying to wrap my head around living in the same ward for your whole life. I've never stayed in a ward for longer than 5 years. Everyone's just known each other for so long, it's bizarre.

You learn a lot of interesting things about people when they have you over for dinner. On Saturday we went over to eat with this 62-year old Navajo guy named Greg. He was telling us all sorts of things about himself (some of which he should definitely have been talking with the bishop about, not us). he claims to be a retired archaeologist and had a whole bunch of maps on his walls which coroborated his story. He told us he studies native cultures and specialized in the Hokum people who used to live in the Phoenix Valley before mysteriously vanishing hundreds of years ago. I don't know if the Hokum are a real people (someone please research this for me), but I'm pretty sure 'hokum' is a word for something that's made up so I honestly wonder if he was joking with us. He opened our visit by telling us that he's trying to get two of his friends "into the water" ie baptized, and then offered us sweet iced tea. He also told us that his patriarchal blessing says that he's not only descended from Manasseh but also from Abraham, and that he has great abilities to see the future. He knows when the Second Coming will occur and assured us gravely that it won't be for a while, "not for three, four hundred years or so." Throughout our visit he played pop music and rock tracks very loudly, even while we were talking. He insisted on having us stay for an extra hour so we could listen to all his favorite songs and listen to him sing along. When we arrived we discovered that he'd baked an entire cake for us but hadn't yet made steaks. He got out two skillets and slapped a big t-bone steak on each. He cooked them both for about five minutes on each side and the entire apartment filled up with smoke even though he had me open the door for him. Needless to say, the steak was a bit underdone in the middle. He really wanted us to finish the whole thing, and I did since I didn't want to hurt his feelings. To make a long story short, my digestive system was greatly upset with this decision and made sure to let me know how it felt for the rest of the night. I will say, however, that he has a very extensive library. I found a book about the historical dealings between Presidents of the United States and the Church, and he let me borrow it. I'm slightly anxious thinking about what he's going to serve us when we come back to return the book.

We don't have a ward mission leader in Biltmore. Or to be more accurate, we have one but he doesn't do anything. He told Elder Cook before I got here that he was moving in two weeks. Well, it's been a month since then and he's still coming to church and partaking of the sacrament. He just takes off immediately after. I've never met him, he never answers our texts, and he doesn't attend ward council so we can't coordinate with the ward. The missionaries aren't allowed to attend the meeting themselves, apparently because it's the responsibility of the ward mission leader. The bishop refused to tell us where and when it's being held, so we're kind of stuck. The ward missionaries are also all inactive. Wo be unto him who saith "All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth," for verily, Zion seemeth to me to languish in a state of heat-induced torpor. We are supposed to be representatives of Jesus Christ, but right now I'm feeling more like the Jesus that terrorized the money-changers and chased them out of the temple than the blessed-are-the-meek Sermon on the Mount Jesus. I wouldn't dream of complaining about the members of the ward (one of our mission president's most cherished and oft-repeated maxims is "if you find yourself complaining about the members, then I would invite you to repent") but I'm just saying that maybe, possibly, some of these people could be released...

The ward missionaries in Country Club are great though. The WMLs, Brother and Sister Pennell, love the missionaries and are happy to feed us/coordinate with us. One sister, Nancy Wauber, is super awesome. Just this week she took us to Cheesecake Factory and accompanied us on several lessons. She has had an interesting life but it is refreshing how normal and easy to talk to she is.

Our other ward missionary, though unofficial, is Michael Funk. He is 14 and thinks quite highly of himself. He has lots of time to work with the missionaries because he got into an argument with his mother and had his phone taken away. He's accompanied us for one day so far. He wore a dark grey suit with black shoes, belt, the whole ensemble, even though when we were talking to him and his mom the night before we specifically told him that he didnt need to wear a suit. I guess fashion takes priority over paltry things like survival. He isn't allowed to ride in the car with us because it's against mission policy, so he followed along behind us on his little electric scooter. He made quite the sight, zooming along on the sidewalk behind us in full-on funeral attire in 107 degrees. The way he holds himself, full of swagger, is at odds with the pimply, poofy-haired kid that he is. I'm worried that he'll corrupt our Friends because he doesn't know the scriptures and keeps accidentally espousing false doctrine (he thought Joseph Smith was reading in Moroni 10:3-5 when he got the idea to ask of God). Elder Cook is of course not worried at all and finds the whole situation absolutely hilarious.

There's lots more to report, but I'm out of time. Nothing super spiritual in this report, although we have had some great experiences. I'll write about that first next time. Until then, I am:

Faithfully Yours,

Elder C. Calder